So check this out. The magician stands center stage, cradling a bloody sheet like a newborn baby. He steps and says, “We have as much evidence for the existence of God as we do the existence of Socrates! That is to say, we have the writings of other people about them, but nothing actually from them… That is until now!”
He then puts the sheet on a table to his right and whisps the cloth away. THERE’S A HEAD! An ancient looking head, bearded and all. The magi continues: “I present to you the head of Socrates.” (For Hints at Method: See Bust of Socrates, Robert-Houdin)
Then, the eyes of the disembodied head flutter open with great effort. It slowly comes alive. Solemnly, the head speaks. “I… I.. I think, therefore I am!”
The magician looks confused. “Um, no, that's the wrong philosopher. But what can we expect, the great Socrates has been dead for hundreds of years, he’s allowed a misquote or two.”
Is the audience buying it? Are they not? It’s hard to tell, but a few of them are laughing at least. It would be hard not to while watching a disembodied head speak.
The magician starts to come off a bit more like a sideshow pitchman. “Folks, this is a truly special occasion. The greatest philosopher of all time is in front of you. Speaking the truth.”
He’s cutoff by the ironically cut-off head of Socrates. “Man… is a rope. Stretched between the animal and the superman. A rope… a rope.. A rope?”
The magician finishes the thought. “Over an abyss… That’s Nietzsche.”
Socrates says, “If you’re going to do business, you’ve got to have a Nietzsche. Everyone needs a Nietzsche.”
The magician says “Again, he’s been dead for so long I don’t think we can hold it against him.”
About half the audience is amused, the other is bemused.
The magician continues his pitch. “Now that we’ve proved the existence of Socrates tonight you will be allowed to ask him a question. But first we must allow him time to adjust. So, in the meantime, I’d like to show you something taught to me by a dear friend of mine. It’s called Water to Wine for the 21st Century.”
The magician advances into the audience and borrows a water bottle. Back on stage he pours some of the water into a wine glass. Swirling the glass, the water becomes red. This is handed to someone in the audience to taste and it proves to be real wine.
The magician continues.“Turns out back in Jesus’ day people didn’t know about food-dye. But this is genuine (pronounced JEN-U-WINE).” Next the water bottle is shaken up and it all turns red too and is handed back to its rightful owner who again verifies that it is indeed real wine. (This method will not be divulged).
Heeba-Jesus! It’s a miracle,” says the magician “The friend who taught me that actually knew Jesus quite well and his family too. He said that Jesus’ sleight of hand was bad, so he had to resort to cheap tricks. But my friend reluctantly agreed to come and perform his great sleight of hand for us all tonight so give a warm round of applause for my friend and yours—Lucifer!”
In a cloud of smoke, center-stage, Satan appears, springing a deck of cards between his hands. Horns and hooves, the whole-nine. He gives some brief introductory words. But Socrates cuts him off saying, “God is dead! He remains dead! And we have killed him!”
Lucifer turns and says “I’m pretty sure that was Neitzsche.” The magician from off-stage says “Yeah, it was.”
Socrates says, “Didn’t I already say you’ve got to be Nietzsche in business. You shouldn’t have to learn a lesson twice.”
Lucifer says “Ah, whatever,” and agrees with the “God being dead” thing. Lucifer walks forth and has a card selected. The card is signed and then shuffled into the deck. He makes a magical pass and then pulls the card out of his pocket. Being sure to mention that he doesn’t even have a pocket. He does a few other card tricks. And then bows, throws a smoke-bomb, and then vanishes. But it’s clear that he’s actually just hiding behind the curtain.
“Impressive stuff, Mr. Lucifer,” says the magician returning to the stage. “The great Socrates is now ready for your questions. You don’t even have to speak them. He will read your mind and give you an answer pertinent to your question.”
Other than some really bad cold reading. Socrates misquotes different philosophers as an answer to every question. Although, everyone is impressed that he’s guessing the questions correctly.
Throughout the night the show continues in a similar vein. Sacreligious magic tricks, the disembodied head of Socrates misquoting philosophers, and everyone pretending not to notice Lucifer hiding, even though he occasionally peeks his head out and his hooves can be seen beneath the curtain.
Finally, the magician performs a stunt known as “Multiplying Fish and Bread-loaves” (This secret is also selfishly withheld).
About this trick, Socrates says: “Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.”
The magician retorts nearly distressed “wrong philosopher again.”
Socrates says “Oh, I don’t know anything.”
The magician hesitates and says, “What did you just say?”
Socrates says, “I don’t know anything.”
Excitedly the magician says, “Hey, that’s the right philosopher. I told you, it’s Socrates! I told you it was him!”
The magician picks the head up off of the table and wraps it in the sheet. Then he bows and walks off stage accidentally bumping into Lucifer who’s still hiding, pretending he really vanished.
Not bad for an evening’s entertainment. I call it SACRILEGE.